(No, not that Python.)
This isn't a bit. Well, it's a bit. But it's also just how I work.
"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a website architecture."
Honesty is optional. The price isn't.
An unfiltered critique of your website. Not "here are some areas for improvement" — an actual assessment of what's wrong, why it's wrong, and what it's costing you.
I have seen privacy policies still in Times New Roman. I have seen cookie banners that set 47 trackers before the user can decline. I will tell you what every developer you've hired was too polite to say.
from $597 Could be more — depends on what we find. If your last developer left a mess, you'll find out why this costs what it costs. Enquire about the Assessment →"This is an ex-website." — What I may conclude. This is not therapy. Your website's feelings will be hurt. Comes with complimentary existential crisis about your brand.
The same honest findings. Delivered in the manner of a doctor with bad news — carefully, respectfully, with appropriate pauses for you to process.
For people who want the truth, but need it in a form that won't cause a scene at the next board meeting. The findings are identical. The delivery is considerably gentler.
from $697 Same scope as the Python Assessment. Kinder words cost a little more — tact takes time, and the report needs to survive a board meeting. Enquire about the Diplomatic Version →Nobody expects the Diplomatic Assessment. But here it is.
For a premium fee, I will tell you your website is absolutely wonderful. Stunning, really. A masterpiece of modern web design. Your competitors must be devastated.
I will say this with complete conviction and provide a written certificate.
Results are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual website quality is coincidental. Jer accepts no responsibility for the warm feelings this document may cause. "African or European hosting?" — This question will not be answered. If you actually want to know what's wrong, see The Python Assessment above.
Beautiful website. Confident pitch. Completely out of cheese.
I am not running a cheese shop.
Watch the sketch — it’s about your last developer.I enforce good passwords that people hate. I point out things nobody asked me to look for. I tell you when you don't need something you're about to spend money on. I have lost contracts for being too honest.
That's why The Glow-Up exists. For everyone else: the truth is right there at the top of the page.
"We apologise for the fault in the assessments. Those responsible have been sacked."
Tell me your URL and which assessment you want. I'll take a quick look, give you an honest scope and price, and we go from there. If you're not sure which one fits, say so — I'll tell you.